Life’s Opportunities
My life got very interesting at the age of 10. It was a Friday night and I had just finished singing ‘Consider Yourself’ – a song from the musical, Oliver at the end of my school play. I had just thrown my top hat into the audience on the last note and was standing there, soaking up the applause, as if I were one of the lead characters. What I didn’t expect was for the headteacher to go off-script and ask the audience whether or not they wanted me to sing the song again! I looked at him in shock, but hopeful the audience would say yes, which they did. Five minutes later there I was again, taking a bow, having once again thrown my hat in to the audience. I realised this was just one of many twists I was to experience.
As we were leaving, another parent cornered us to congratulate me, although this time with a slightly different intent. She informed my mum about auditions being held the following week for the musical Oliver in West End, and recommended I go along.
So there I was, a week later, standing outside the London Palladium on a cold, wet day. We were in the middle of a long queue that seemed to have no end as it trailed past the shops. I remember being amongst a sea of confident, brightly dressed ‘stage school’ children… and then there was me and my mum, possibly the only black people in the line. Yep, I was extremely scared and nervous.
Eventually, we got to the front. I said goodbye to my mum and was ushered into large room with a group of children. There were people sitting behind a table, just like X-Factor. A man approached me and asked if I knew the song that was written on the board, Consider Yourself. Thank goodness I knew the song. “Yes”, I replied. When I finished, I received a huge round of applause. I got a recall and went to a few more auditions and managed to somehow get through to the final, although this required a little more ‘movement’. I had never been to a dance class in my life. The only dancing I could remember doing was kicking out a leg to a few Micheal Jackson songs.
One Step to Many
This was a serious dancing audition. I had to walk four steps in one direction, change direction and walk another four steps and then repeat. How hard could it be? Well, it proved too hard and unfortunately, fear and failure won the day. The idea of patting the stomach whilst rubbing your head proved too much for me. I started to cry. What made it worse was that it felt like everyone was that much happier and more confident. I started to feel isolated and my inner voice of doubt and fear grew louder than ever, as if someone were actually in my head, telling me how bad I was and that I’d never get the steps. The doubts grew and I began to feel more out of place as the moments passed and as the only black person, began to self-sabotage with negative thoughts and feelings. This feeling of lack and pity grew. I felt the only choice was to give up and resist help, so in front of what I now know was an all-star panel, I sat down and gave up.
I found out that day I had become accustomed to feeling sad, and that giving up was my habit when things got tough. The choreographer continually offered to help me, however I refused and I continued to choose to be a victim. The worst thing about that day wasn’t the fact I didn’t get the job; it was that I preferred to suffer by refusing help. What made it worse was that when I left the audition to meet my mum and she asked me how it went, I told her “very well thanks” – that I’d done a good job.
Choosing to suffer… or expand?
For the following six months I suffered, as I never told a soul about that experience. It’s only now, at the age of 37, that my wonderful mum is hearing about this, as I chose to kept it to myself out of fear. During those months, I didn’t sleep properly. I would lie in my bed most nights thinking about what happened and what could have been, if I had not given up and carried on. The pain grew as it had now become a habit to suffer in silence.
Choose to stay or choose to grow…
Life’s Opportunities
The universe is remarkable. Six months after that experience, my mum received a call from the production team – they wanted to see me again. I was beyond excited, energised, focused and determined not to let anything stop me from trying to overcome these past impressions that I had now built within me. Life had given me another opportunity, a chance to heal, learn and grow, and I wasn’t going to let it go.
The day of the auditions arrived. It quickly became a challenge and those feelings were not hesitant in revealing themselves, although the choice in the moment was new – no fear and determination set in. There seemed to be more choreography than my previous auditions. Trying to sing, dance and act all at the same time was new for me, but those thoughts were not allowed to win this day. This time, there was no way I was giving up. I made many mistakes, but the urge to keep trying was stronger. A week later the phone rang… I’d got the job.
From that moment on, I realised that life was not just a sequence of routines, but a sequence of opportunities and possibilities. I learnt a new perspective that day: that I cannot change life, but I can change how I perform within it. Through the practice of yoga and meditation, I’m able to become fully aware of my unconscious behaviour, emotions and thought patterns. I am able to observe old behavioural patterns and thoughts like old headlines trying to make the front page of every new moment. I’ve learnt that the external world will always present problems and challenges, but what matters is how I perceive them and manage my internal world to response with love and compassion.
Why yoga?
I’m grateful to the parent who shared the knowledge about the audition with my mum. As great as it was performing in the West End, the lesson that came from this experience was much greater. To this day I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to go from pain to power, to learn that I always have a choice to live in fear or love, to grow or regress. These lessons I’ve carried close with me throughout ever since.
In the UK, black men are 17 times more likely to be diagnosed with a serious mental health illness. Since that childhood experience, it has become quite common for me to be the only or one of a few black individuals in my working environment – and I have often been reminded of that fact. Yoga has taught me that you can only experience what is happening within the body, so if you create your body so your energies are blissful, then my experience in the world cannot be anything other than that. The spiritual science of yoga has allowed me to go deeper into myself and has provided me with the tools to manage my system. It has helped me go beyond my old limitations, enabling me to explore and learn about all aspects of myself by going beneath the skin to understand my true self. Life’s opportunities are present in every moment, we just need to become aware to see them – these are the lessons and techniques I want to share through my work.
‘‘Once you connect to your intelligence within, you will begin to unlock your super human abilities.”